Grief
by AstralWolf
Summary: Steve is heartbroken when Peggy dies. He goes for a walk through the city, trying to clear his head, but things end up going down a bad road. Rated M for later chapters. WARNING: Suicidal Steve in later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Grief

Chapter 1

A cold wind swept through the city as Steve Rogers walked down the sidewalk, little droplets of rain landing upon the concrete and in his hair, plastering the blonde strands to his head. He folded his arms to his chest, huddling deeper under the jacket that sat on his shoulders. A shiver wracked his body and his limbs trembled. He was so cold. His nose was frozen, and his fingers were stiff. He'd been out all night, aimlessly wandering around the city in the rain. It was 1:23 in the morning, and he'd left the avengers tower around 8:30 that night. That's how long he'd been in the rain; in the cold, blistering wind. Tears leaked down his face, staining his cheeks. At around 8:00 that night, he'd gotten a phone call; a very sad phone call. Peggy Carter was dead. She had been the only thing that connected him to his past, connected him to his rightful home. He let out a gentle sob, sniffling. She was dead.

He sat down on the edge of the sidewalk, staring down at a puddle of water that had collected between his feet. The street lamp above him shone down on him, the light from the bulb reflecting in the puddle. He stared at the light as it danced in the water, his thoughts suddenly disappearing. A car drove by, its tires splashing water up from the street and onto Steve. Now he was drenched. Not that he cared. He didn't care about anything anymore. The avengers meant nothing. Being the Captain meant nothing. Staying alive meant nothing. Steve didn't care if he was cold. He didn't care if he was hungry, or tired. He just didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore. Not without her. He sat there for what felt like hours but had been nothing more than 30 minutes, sobbing to the heavens. "Why her….?" He whispered. "Why not me, instead?"

Steve pulled his legs up to his chest, resting his chin on his knees. He closed his eyes, still shivering, his teeth chattering. He hadn't meant to fall asleep, but he did.

* * *

Natasha and Tony had been driving around the city for almost two hours looking for Steve. They hadn't noticed that he'd left the tower until Natasha went up to his room to check on him. They'd heard about Peggy, and they had decided to give Steve some space, knowing that he probably didn't want to talk about it. They had assumed that he'd just been going to bed, but when the clock struck midnight, and Natasha went to go check on him and he wasn't there, Nat and Tony had become worried. They knew that he'd run off, because it's what he usually did when he was sad or angry. But he usually wasn't out this late, and for this long. That's why they were so worried.

"Tony, we've been out for nearly two hours now and we've scoped the entire city. Where could he possibly be?" Natasha asked, glancing at him.

Tony sighed. "I don't…hey! What's that?" He pulled over, pointing at something that was slumped over on its side on the sidewalk.

Natasha climbed out of the car, racing over to the figure. She dropped to the figure's side, realizing that it was a person. She pulled the person's hood off, gasping when she saw that it was Steve. "Steve?!" Nat called out, rolling him onto his back. She patted his cheek multiple times, trying to rouse him. "Steve." He didn't respond.

"Is it him?" Tony asked, running over.

She nodded, tears gathering in her eyes. She quickly scooped Steve up into her arms, carrying him to the car. She laid him down gently in the back seat, then she climbed in, lifting his head up and placing it in her lap. He was shivering horribly, and his lips were tinted blue. "Hurry! Get us home before he freezes to death,"

Tony raced over to the driver's side door, hopping into the car and beginning to drive towards the avenger's tower.

Natasha glanced down at Steve's pale face, stroking his cheekbone with her thumb and running her hand through his damp hair. "What happened to you Steve? What happened?" She whispered, hoping that he'd be okay.


	2. Chapter 2

Steve awoke in Natasha's lap, his eyelids fluttering open to see her leaning over him. "…..eve….Steve…." She was saying quietly, trying to get his attention.

"….'Tasha..?" He murmured, a shiver wracking his body, causing his limbs to shudder. He was freezing.

She nodded, a tear slipping from her eye. "It's me, Steve. Are you alright? Can you hear me?" Her voice was full of concern and worry. Why was she crying?

"'m fine…" He lied, sighing heavily. The truth was he felt sick. Really sick. Hospital sick. He glanced around, suddenly realizing that he was in the back of a car. "Where 'm I?" Steve slurred.

"You're in Tony's car. What on Earth were you thinking? Running off in the middle of the night, falling asleep on the sidewalk and nearly freezing to death?! What the hell? This isn't like you! You had us worried sick!" Natasha scolded. He flinched, her voice seething with anger.

"I'm sorry. I just…wanted to be alone….." He whispered, glancing out the window at the dark sky above.

She sighed angrily, trying to calm herself. It wasn't exactly his fault. She tried to remind herself of that. "Just try to be more careful, okay? I'd be devastated if anything happened to you."

About five minutes later, they were walking through the front door of the avengers tower, Steve immediately heading up to his room. Natasha thought about following him, just in case, but she decided not to. He needed rest. They all did.

Steve climbed into his bed after entering his room. He slowly slid under the blankets, lying his head down on the pillow. He allowed his eyelids to slip closed. A few minutes had passed and he was sound asleep.

 _Steve was in a room at a party, people all around him. He studied his surroundings, looking at everything and everyone. Every person was dressed in formal outfits, including himself. He entered another room, one that had less people in it than the other one. Suddenly a sickeningly familiar voice echoed into his ears and he spun around. His eyes landed on a figure with short-ish, curly brown hair and chocolate brown eyes. She was wearing a sparkling red dress, and she looked absolutely fabulous. "Are you ready for our dance?" She asked, her voice thick with a British accent._

 _"_ _Peggy…..!" He gasped, his jaw dropping open. "But I thought…."_

 _"_ _C'mon Steve, this way," She took his arm and pulled him onto the dance floor, wrapping her arms around his neck. She laid her head on his shoulder as they swayed back and forth to the rhythm of the slow song. "Steve…." Peggy whispered, pulling her head up from his shoulder and staring deeply into his ice-blue eyes. "Kiss me, Steve…." She murmured, closing her eyes and leaning in, waiting for his lips to touch hers. Steve smiled, leaning in to give her a passionate kiss, but as soon as their lips touched, he awoke, sweat pouring down his face._

No…..it wasn't sweat. It was tears. A dream? It couldn't have been! It had to be real! He started panting heavily, climbing out of his bed and stumbling over to the phone. He called the place that Peggy had been staying in and asked the lady on the other line how she was doing.

"I'm so sorry. We regret to inform you that Ms. Carter has passed away," The lady stated, her words heavy and thick with grief. His heart shattered once again, and his grip on the phone loosened. The phone fell to the floor, making a clanking sound as it hit the wood flooring. He sunk to his knees, arms at his sides. This couldn't be real. It couldn't! 

That was the final straw. Steve ran into the bathroom and started opening up bottles of Tylenol, downing at least five of them. If he couldn't have Peggy, then no one could have him. He downed a couple more bottles, chewing the all of the pills and swallowing them. Steve suddenly felt dizzy. His vision became hazy, and he started to smell something that smelled like burning fumes. He crumpled to the ground, his back going ramrod straight. He started shaking, a full body tremor that started at the core and rippled through him, trickling into his limbs and causing to flail and spasm. Steve slipped into unconsciousness just as Natasha came running into the room, seeing Steve on the floor. "Tony! TONY!" She screamed. "Call 911! Steve's having a seizure!"

White froth had filled Steve's mouth. Natasha flipped him onto his side, watching as the froth and a little bit of bile and mucus spilled out of his mouth onto the floor.

Her eyes caught sight of the empty pill bottles and she groaned. "No….no, no, no, no…..shit!"

Tony came running into the room a few minutes later, paramedics behind him. By then Steve's seizure had stopped, but he was barely breathing. The paramedics wiped the bile, mucus, and froth from Steve's lips, then they placed an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

"Why Steve? Why…..?" She murmured, staring at him with tears in her eyes. "Please be okay…." She whispered, holding his hand. The paramedics lifted him up, placing him on a gurney and wheeling him into the ambulance.


End file.
